Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
Could a canary swim?
Last time I ever let you pet sit.
is it bad if my mug shot looks better than my profile picture?
either my laughing turned him on, or he wanted to shut me up. either way, i dont care. it was amazing.
woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
beer for lunch on the first day back to school.... too soon?
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.
Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
I would like you to know I am eating your apology chocolate, which means i forgive you for puking everywhere before formal
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Did you actually just quote Ace Ventura during a sext!?
You know it
Dammit now I have to marry you
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
When my parents ask, do you think "he was the cop I gave head to in order to get out of a speeding ticket" will suffice as to how we met?
Randomize
