She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
He had on juicy sweatpants and thats when i knew he was no longer a threat.
hey can i play with your boom stick tonite? I'll let you shoot the love of jesus in my face.
come over
i couldnt tell she was wearing a bumpit until she started giving me head
If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.
He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family
Not even marginally surprised
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Speaking of ejaculate, did you get the side of your car cleaned off?
Old woman told me I looked like her son and then she started explaining to me how she wanted me to fuck her
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
She said I'm like warm bathroom-sink water. There's nothing necessarily wrong with me, but she doesn't exactly want to "drink me in"
I'm eating go-gurt and drinking beer alone in the dark. This is why you shouldn't marry young.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Birthday wine tasting got super shambly super quickly. I am covered in cuts/bruises/terrible life decisions.
Randomize
