Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
when I forget a girls name in bed I ask her her middle name then tell her i'm gonna call her that from now on
So many bounce houses so little time
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
This is true. I'm still having Jess write "no drugs" on my left hand and "except weed" on my right hand
If your plan is to re-bang every girl you banged in high school - you're gonna need a spread sheet and clip board.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
Still, being medically ordered to stuff things in your vagina is amazing.
A real best friend would support the hoe in me. Not remind me of what happened the last time I slept with a boss
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Who in their right mind would frost a cake with their butt?
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
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