someone threw a dead crab at me
bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.
the hells wrong with u
so im gonna ask for shark week off tomorrow at work and i advise you do the same
Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.
Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?
my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib
I just need a text that says "put that food down bitch" and then maybe I'll lose water weight through tears
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I ate you ate to the whole david gray album
I can't wait for you to tell me about your sex.
It's a short, short story.
So the dog chewed my vibrator last night. It added a nice new texture actually.
And all i could do was bury the part of me that felt guilty for cradle robbing and put on my dick swallowing bib.
He gave me an orgasim so fantastic that I had an asthma attack.
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