My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
Found your dick twin last night
I'm at the perfect height to walk up to the corner of my mom's stove and rest my balls on it. Just thought you'd like to know they're warm.
I taped a pair of scissors and a coupon for a waxing on the door. He gets to choose.
Regardless of your intentions, deep throating a Twinkie is NOT sexy. You owe that poor cashier an apology the next time you pump gas.
Just remembered I said your cat looked delicious last night.
I ended up snorting coke while wearing a Bavarian dress and I feel like I need to reevaluate my life
You have such a talent for this
Friendship, or finding weed?
Yes
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
