That's kind of creepy but I guess since I'm wearing your dad's pants nothing is off limits anymore
We hit a deer, sort of a buzz kill. But it's fine.
I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.
it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"
No need to call an exterminator, the ants overdosed on the leftover lines on the counter.
fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
They just dared her to tape flip flops to her tits. Entertainment value cannot be found like this in any other part of America.
No celebraish? But today's the day that Jesus, Bruce Springsteen, and a flock of bald eagles came down from the heavens in fighter jets with electric guitars and M-16s a blazon, saying "Hey America, fuck the Red Coats, it's time to party"
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.
Speaking of lightening speed, he ate me out while I was watching The Flash. If that's not winning at life idk what is
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
Randomize
