if you don't start talking to me i'm gonna tell your gf that you said she tastes bad
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
I know its time to do laundry... i cant even find a dirty sock to wear because they all have jizz in them
me and my sister are feeding my dog poprocks. this is proof you don't need a lot of money to have fun.
Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.
My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.
My prof gave me extra credit for drawing a ninja on my paper and writing "ninja will up my grade"
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
He told me we were going to a cabin. It's just logs and a tarp made into walls. This night can go either way at this point.
So, last night I fell asleep sitting Indian-style on the floor, propped up against the front of the couch with an empty wine bottle in between my legs... How was your night?
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
I don't care how great the sex was, I cannot unsee what has been seen. I regret ever stalking his Facebook.
She put a shot in my mouth and then hit me with a pillow..
Lucky bitch I'm at work covered in Jeff pee. And my hair smells like beer because I was trying to prove a point about PBR serving multiple purposes.
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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