If a girl drunk dials you she's at least entertained the idea of sleeping w/ you correct?
YES
Can you please tell me why there's a bottle of urine on my night stand with a note that says "in case you're thirsty in the morning"? Thanks.
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I guess since this is supposed to be my year of the lesbian it's okay
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
ok now I feel liek a very drunk human instead of a chaos being thanks water
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
I'm by the tree and the Dora the explorer balloon .. Look for the Dora the explorer balloon
I'll truly miss your penis but your use of words and phrases such as bae, yolo, swag, and totes have ruined how attractive you once were.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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