A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.
I'm going to appeal my grade. Is it better to look studious or slutty?
tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve
His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.
i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold
hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?
found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it
where the hell would u of bought a deer
Got my bloodwork back and my liver is in tip top shape. Apparently blacking out 5 nights a week isn't cutting it, so we've got to step it up until I see that all of my hard work is actually paying off and doing some damage.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
Then she cat effected the picture of my dick I sent her the other night. I'm in love.
You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
WHY AM I CRAWLING IN OLDER MEN HOLY JESUS
Now accepting any stories about my adventures last night, in particular why my knuckles are bleeding.
i'm not drunk or reckless enough to have you track my every fucking move. I AM AN ADULT
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
She was pretty impressed that I led all thirty of us back to campus in my state of drunk. Evidently so impressed that she now refers to me as "Moses" in bed.
Randomize
