You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.
I'm in a cab, in a strange city, and my driver looks like he's going to eat me. My facebook password is **** I want you to have the one thing I hold dearest to my heart.
i think i've said "don't judge me" 10+ times tonight... is that a bad thing?
yes
... don't judge me
bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch
I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation
DDing is such a bittersweet job, just got the entire history of this girls hookup career
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
His middle name is Julius so I named his penis Caesar and told him he has to say "Hail Caesar!" whenever he comes. He didn't seem to like the idea, though.
Just found an airplane bottle of whiskey and I didn't put it in my coffee. I think I deserve a little recognition this morning.
I shouldn't have to tell you to stop throwing knives at me.
He said watch this and then went and tripped into a group of 40 year old women, now he's leaving the club with them.
there's a bowling ball in the dishwasher and a dog bone in the freezer
After everything I’ve done… had sex with people off tinder, gone to clubs and bars, gone to hockey games…. I get Covid at GRANDMAS HOUSE
Randomize
