I have left a significant number of teethmarks in my prhone. My mouth tastes like tequila and cheddar. Tomorrow already feels fun.
they just did a mariachi cover of free bird
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?
I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.
ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...
Just remembered I hit myself in the face with a bottle then did the nose test and decided I was still good. Don't think anyone noticed.
I have a very important question for you: what are some good rules to have if we want to turn the nfl draft into a drinking game?
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
HI MARY. THERE IS A RAINBOW AT OUR APARTMENT
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
He told me he loved me and I told him I shit myself
dude kate found out i cheated and busted in while i was taking a shit. I was cornered, nothing i could do
so drinking tonight?
Be there in 15
the bastard is cheating on me with some sleazy barista from Starbucks
That’s his wife they’re back together
You say potato, I say sleazy barista
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