Well the candle wax mightve been sexy if he didn't drop the candle and light half my bed on fire
you ended the night by relentlessly sucking on my hips bone and hand demanding milk. you said it was because you were a tiger
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???
In their defense you were hugging a watermelon for a good portion of the trip
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I just remember dedicating a shot to me giving you head so it was obviously a good night
He visits one Denver strip club and now hes moving there
There's a certain feeling that only comes from wearing pearls to hide hickeys
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
My roommates call me "Queen of the Skanks" I guess that means I've had a successful first month of college.
I jammed my finger giving him a hand job. Don't ask how, I'm still trying to figure that out.
Of all the things I've masturbated to while high, my favorites are ritz chips and trees
You have got to be the only man who has passed out while getting a lap dance.
He had a hook in his ceiling. I think I'm in love!
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