She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
i don't remember but I assumed it was bad when I woke up with directions from his house to mine already pulled up on my phone
Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.
I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
You left your underwear on the fireplace
We are not in the same countries and I heard about your hook up last night BEFORE you.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
For thanksgving we are only drinking wild turkey for the next 24hrs time to strap your balls back on and maybe a helmet
Ps we bought 8 pellet guns just now
your girlfriend showed us your homemade porn last night.
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
You'd think it'd be fun living next door to a guy whose neck you once licked. Surprise, it's not.
After the "sex" was over I dressed as quickly as possible. And then he came over to me stark naked and embraced me. For over a minute. And all I could think was please get your penis off my dress.
Randomize
