is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?
You totally left a blue butt print on our banister
Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.
The cab driver told me he hopes I look up to him as a father figure. Then he asked if I wanted him to take me to the hospital
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Got drunk with him at an Irish pub ended up losing him for twenty minutes when I finally find him his piss drunk singing Irish folk music with a group of Irish guys and a midget
He meets the coolest people when he's drunk
Should I have spent my entire pay check on Crown Royal and LSD? No. Do I regret it? Also, no.
I nicknamed her "Jackhammer" for the way she gave me a handjob. My balls were in constant pain
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
My purse is full of condoms and money.
I like where this is going...
you tried to strip tease your way into canada but got arrested instead. don't worry, your mom doesn't know.
Nothing ruins your day more than waking up to you dogs crotch in your face
Randomize
