i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.
she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.
are you serious?
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
Let's just say that watching the sunrise in a space helmet is really the only way to do it.
Remember how I haven't seen my step sister in like 7 years? Pretty sure I just made out with her...
He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.
drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
I was going to text you that earlier, but I felt like before 10 was probably to early to bring up boners
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
What made you think singing Silent Night while I was puking was a good idea?!?!
We really gotta wear capes to the bar more often...
I’m the skeleton in his closet, but I only come out on Tuesday and Thursday afternoon and when his wife is out of town
I don't know if I'm having early flu symptoms, a miscarriage, or am badly hungover. Web md agrees.
Randomize
