she was a 2....and a legitimate 2. like, helen keller is a 1, this girl...2.
wait, do i give off the impression that i DON'T want girls to show me their boobs if i video chat with them?
He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
Dude. Get me out of here. I'm surrounded by glitter-faced 40 year olds in halter tops. The desperation here is so thick you can taste it.
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
i'm about to be the still-drunkest person on the ellipticals
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
If my plane goes down do me a favor. Break into my house and get the batman costume and swing out of my bedroom.
That awkward moment when your drug dealer pulls your boss out of the snow
he was like tryna hang and chat and I was like dude there's an iguana in this room
Dude it's 6 am and you just invited me to a hotel with a shit ton of coke. Best morning ever
Idk, but the girl in his story had really nice eyebrows and was singing The Climb. How about you CLIMB the fuck away from my man
FORGET THE EYEBROWS
She deleted me on Facebook. I think it's safe to say that she knows I fucked him now.
Go shave, and then go fuck the man
YOU ARE SO CRUDE, I LOVE YOU
Randomize
