I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.
Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.
we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
I'm glad they extended train service last night. People crying, screaming, throwing up, fighting and peeing themselves on a train made me feel like I've got my shit together.
I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
you were drunkenly making out with a 20-something in front of your wife. at least the guy your wife left with was decent looking.
Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.
He wants to buy me a drink to apologize for sending me a pic of his dick. Welcome to my life.
So Doritos and vodka was obviously not as good an idea as I thought at the time.
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
Remember how I was complaining about how no guy has ever gotten me off?
Had a dream last night where I asked you how your Christmas was and your response was, “sex, man. Just lots and lots of sex.”
Good god. A spell so dry your friends actually commit it to their subconscious!
Randomize
