The make-up sex just reminded me why we broke up in the first place.
They wont let us in. Theyve some sort of no Daft Punk costume rule
if you google earth my address you can see me getting out of my car. finally my moment of being famous
I drank almost a whole fifth last night. Woke up with blood everywhere wearing a "stereotype this" tshirt. How fitting
Heyyyy darlin are you busy?
Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.
Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
I would like to request a high five for getting laid while wearing crocs and a crab hat.
Her rack rivals that of the deer I shot last season. You need to get after that.
Let us bow our heads and pray that I don't throw up in the tub
I woke up with my vibrator in my bed so I'm assuming I had a decent night.
We need some Captain and Fanta. That shit will change your life. Sidenote, bring an IV drip to hook me to in the morning
Never in my life have I been so excited to nap as I am right now.
Randomize
