Last night this chick queefed when I was going down on her. Thinking if you! xo
You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...
Well i'm not entirely sure considering he gave my vagina an early valentine's day card that said "you're purrfect."
I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
the best part of college is nobody can tell me not to eat six toaster strudels and jerk off in the shower
I just did a shot of Jameson and two shots of cuervo. Note: this is the moment things went down hill
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
Jesus I was next level high last night having a mental epiphany about the state of Virginia
Gez, you make a couple noises and all of the sudden your the loud girl.
Mike's letting gay guys do body shots off him again.
My boyfriend, ladies and gentlemen.
I may have passed out and puked all over the host's favorite couch, but three hours and a rip later, I was eating tiramisu in the bathtub with the birthday boy and a hot Italian.
Randomize
