when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?
His internet history had "Disney Porn" on it.
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas
We lost a condom inside me, I had to fish it out. The next day he gave me a Gone Fishin' bumper sticker. True love at its finest.
A big dick and how quickly they respond to snapchat is all I look for in a guy
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
I can get stoned and we can bake and then I can eat 70% of it and it will be awesome
Successful first night. Lost my phone. Front desk found it. Earthquake in wine country. Didn't feel it.
Yeah, I've hit on priests at bars, too. Such a shame, there are a lot of hot men out there who've devoted themselves and their glorious genitalia to the Lord -_-
So we hooked up and then instead of texting me, he endorsed me on LinkedIn for Microsoft Word a few days later
If you're wondering about the mess, we had sex in the kitchen. There was noodles involved.
NO FUCKING RANDOMS IN AN ALLEY
She had a toddler. It threw up and then some guy said party foul and put it on the porch. Going back next Friday.
Randomize
