well yea, now i know i won't get hair in my teeth...
these 2 russian guys walked past me and i got freaked out because i thought call of duty got real
The worst mistakes make the best memories. Write that down.
I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit
I'm at the bar and they've turned up lady gaga to cover the sound of the fire alarm.
So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.
I have no recollection of sleep choking you
It sounds miserable..I have to wear a dress and it's a cash bar?
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
I hate ovaries. They're horrible little sacs of satanic enmity.
That's the most poetic description of female anatomy I've ever heard.
Lindsey Lohan and I have slept with the same amount of people. The only thing she's now beating me on is rehab trips and teen choice awards, so really I'm the winner.
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
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