Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
he just came in and straightened the chair and left again
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.
The guy I woke up with is wearing the same nailpolish as me...I need to stop drinking
Had a crazy moment last night. Had to get up, run to bathroom, pop 3 Xanax, sit on bathroom floor and rock myself in fetal position. Not my best moment.
some dude just accurately guessed my height and bra size.. that is cup AND inches around. creepy, yet impressive
And also the fact that I woke up sandwiched between two gay men is probably fueling my day
When you woke up the first word out of your mouth was "whoa"
I was feeling the aftermath of his penis
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
I am now gainfully employed. Parents, lock up your children.
Yay! Welcome to the world of "you're seriously trusting me with your kid?"
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