Your vagain smells worse when im sober.
sorry, worng number
Just had another dream about being on Real Chance of Love. I think it's a sign.
How has he not realized you're pregnant?
Spanx.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.
Okay well someone asked "IS HE HOMELESS?" about me so I need to try and find somebody.
The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.
Not even joking, someone broke into the house to watch porn. The cops are on the way.
Today is the day I die from a hangover. I love you, mom. Farewell.
Is it bad that I recognize every dick in your dic pic collection?
I forgot my backup drink is supposed to be pedialyte and vodka. Add in the shit I'm losing as I drink. Win-Win right?
I'm pretty sure our sex is better than most foods and that says a lot too bc I really like food
We were on the beach when you spilled sand in the bottle and said "relax it's vodka, it'll disinfect itself"
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
Promise me if ever I think I can't do anything, remind me that I waxed my own butthole
Randomize
