I am 90% sure the kid in front of me in class is picking his face spots, smelling it, and then eating it. That is a LOT of % sure for something like that.
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
All I wanna do is sit in water and get drunk. The only thing more American is giving birth to eagles.
Just had a thought: were the sirens on when we were in the ambulance?
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.
The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
When you put my balls in your mouth i just want to buy you expensive gifts...you know what i mean?
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
When's the best time to point out that all of my orgasms this year have been self-administered? Valentine's day?
I just bought sparkling water with plan B. I am the most basic bitch to ever exist.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
So drunk me is not subtlety trying to get her boss to cheat on her husband and have a lesbian affair with me. Sober me is ok with that.
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