Call me when you're up
Great dream, you were in it
Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more
Just woke up on a dolphin floaty wearing only a party hat. There's blood on the side of the pool and glass in the sauna. Worst fucking hangover. But some guy said he is making crepes so its ok
Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.
I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.
I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.
Note to self: Do not bring gift bag with cock ring inside to family Christmas. Leave to unwrap at home.
I will cut you
Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me
Put that in perspective
I feel like I should be having more sex dreams of my boyfriend than his sister..
Which president had the biggest dick?
Take your time, I'll wait
Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
Would it be totally wrong, that in honor of princess leias death, I role played as her??
When he said he lived in a closet I thought he meant his room was really small or something... But he actually has a queen size mattress on the floor of his roomates walk-in closet.
You know he wants it bad when he starts going door to door for condoms.
Randomize
