im as drunk as the barefoot contessa. GET TO MY LEVEL
dude. stop pregaming the food network.
Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.
I'm moving there. Get me hired.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
The hardest part of getting a new computer is deliberating whether to start the cycle of porn and viruses all over again.
the moment we started interpretive dancing last night wouldve been a good time to stop drinking.
It's one of those mornings when I woke up thinking that i really shouldn't have hooked up with my ex boyfriend's girlfriend just to prove a point.
I'm covered in sharpie and the girl next to me just said something smells like fried food. Hint: it's me. Why am I in class?
I vaguely remember stopping for a bag of bugles and some lube and then I woke up this morning with melted chocolate on my hands. I think I love him
Still butthurt there's a framed picture of me passed out on the toilet in my grandparents' living room
Yah... You need to get here. Evan just peed off the karaoke stage.
I love how you sexted me before you told me happy birthday. Thank you.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
My gynecologist just said "don't worry, this won't be as hard as…well…" A FUCKING SEX JOKE NO
It will be interesting
Isn't that your life's motto?
I was on the verge of being completely over him and then he went and made his Instagram not private... ITS LIKE HE KNEW
Randomize
