I faked an abortion last night.
come outside for a special surprise it involves huge boobs
we'll hang out once this whole, "your friends are robbers and drug addicts" thing blows over with my parents.
Well regardless of where or with who you will be blacking out and i will be pouring shots down ur throat like a baby bird
guess who's bored in chemistry researching how to sneak weed through airport security in her vagina?
Remember when you tried to pay that stripper to cry on stage?
Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.
im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it
He passed out naked in my bathroom, then took a shower, then passed out again and then took another shower. Last time I let my brother visit.
Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
Maybe they'll dismiss me from jury duty after they smell beer on me. You can't keep me in a cage and then give me an hour and a half long lunch break next to a beer fest and expect sobriety.
You were wearing a sequin mini, with Tevas. And you still got laid.
Do you think if I had a tempurpedic bed he would still be able to feel me fingering myself after we have sex?
Nah leave him alone, he is at the strip club with his mom.
Randomize
