After I talked about my ex for about twenty minutes, she just listened, sluts are so understanding
Not everyone can get ass. Some people are good at building rockets. You’re good at sleeping with many men. It’s an art.
it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it
He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer
drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.
I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex
i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.
I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.
i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
This whole Rob and Chyna drama is giving me trust issues. I'm about to text my ex and be like if you haven't already deleted my nudes, can you?
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
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