I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"
Fist pumping is hard when country music is playing FYI but I am committed
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
I know. You don't know poor life choice until your sitting on the floor of a community bathroom waiting to vomit at 4 am
I forgot to tell you, the medics put you in a wheel chair. ( I kept telling you to cat daddy) oh you also gave everyone high fives for speaking English.
I just commented on the education level of his penis.
Next time we include dessert condiments into our sex life we can fuck up my sheets. It's only fair.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Her car is covered in frozen vomit, and she lost her iPhone. I'm also pretty sure I smoked crack last night. Rest in peace 2014.
My roommate taped his phone to the ceiling fan to simulate walking so he could hatch Pokémon. Lazy people will always find a way.
Sooo...you're driving 6 hours for free booze?
Don't judge me.
Found someone cuddling with my Uggs this morning. Guess the hundred pillows laying next to him weren't good enough.
Randomize
