the the hell do you 'accidentaily" jizz on a shirt thats folded in a drawer?
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
My uncles bleeding, my brother has a black eye and my moms topless in the pool... How was your family cookout?
The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding
They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
I only had sex with him so I could try to steal his roommate's cat, what kind of girl do you think I am?
You rubbed a frozen pizza in my face. The concerning part was that it was semi cooked from our body heat
Beat the bartender in a shot challenge for a free tab. I won that, and him. I never get tired of the "this is my first time with a guy.." bullshit.
How do you even...
The magic of Christmas. And whiskey, of course.
Word my sister pulled through for me and brought vodka shooters for the plane. its about to be a sloppy 4 hours
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
I just watched my mom pour beer into her vodka and drink it.
Drunk text the hot guy two doors down confessing my love for him.... He gave me a thank you card today.
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
He's the douchy one who wouldn't let me rip his shirt off, right?
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