do you want me to make hamburgers?
i'm vegan
i'll put lettuce on them
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".
I am assuming I was his dirty Mardi Gras mistake and I can live with that
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...
Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
Yeah then she waddled like a duck in silence sat down and ate the entire paper towel roll.
I can wear a rubber suit at three am and spank someone's ass until its sore and fuck them three ways from Sunday. And get up the next day and do their laundry. As long as once in awhile they rub my back without expecting anything
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
i guess i fuck people who own bucket hats so i can't talk shit
If my drunken penis pic is ever to be forgiven id like to start over with all that
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
we can no longer cook chicken in the house. his name is herbert, we are keeping him and can not eat his people in front of him.
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