fuck, i think i'm broken. Alchyhol air mattress = the suck.
I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I'm not upset with you; I'm upset with Fox News.
well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face
my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring
i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me
He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".
I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now
If my mom walks in on me masturbating one more time I'm moving out
You'd think the first few times would have been enough
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
my grandma just gave me a shoebox fulled to the top with tootsie rolls and condoms with a not that said "enjoy college, find a big cock" i'm not sure how I feel about this
Okay so.. What's with me and guys who have more than 2 nipples
Well. I mean as excuses for running late go, 'losing track of time in the bathhouse' has gotta be up there on the top ten.
Holy shit I'm 26! That took an embarrassingly long time to figure it out, I need to keep buyin weed from this kid
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
I think I gave a random lady a dildo
Again?!
Randomize
