My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.
I hijacked a bellboy cart and rolled into the party dancing on it
Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang
I'm gonna win the lottery and buy chinchillas and tattoos for everyone
Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius
I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life
The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo
Now I know he's not trying to fuck me. He took me to lunch at White Castle.
Drunk you needs to learn how to call sober me, so sober me can talk your drunk vagina down.
SOME DUDE PUT OUT FOR A MCCHICKEN AND YET YOU STILL WON'T FUCK ME
You went home with a guy at 11... than returned to the bar at 1
What better than a girl who loves jager, sexts like a champ and is down for t-bell at any hours of the night? oh wait, NOTHING.
Randomize
