I have found the one flaw to the great pride I took as a guy to not have to sit down to pee...having to sneeze while peeing.
he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
YOU ARE NOT A BOTTLE OF RUM THEREFORE I DONT KNOW HOW TO LOVE YOU
Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
I was so high I started singing Let It Go and then instantly started laughing 'cause I was eating ice. Everyone just stared.
so much tequila, so little girl.
I am in serious pain and you're making dick jokes. I hope you wind up with crotch rot.
We had sex with a sexual harassment video playing in the background before his gf got there. I've hit a new low
conclusion: canadians have really freaky sex
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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