I'm not unpopping my collar. This shirt is too expensive to crease.
2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
her underwear stopped being sexy when i saw her pubes sticking out of the top.
a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted
how much adderall did you take today?
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.
at least you know where his tattoos end, so it wasn't a complete waste of time.
Just had the moment before I realised I'd packed you off in an ambulance last night after funnel-feeding you Monster and vodka. Your mom thinks I'm a dick doesn't she?
feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?
A guy with a mustache poured a beer down your throat while you had a crippled boy named Sunshine riding your back
She rode my dick so hard I momentarily lost hearing. I guarantee I had the better St Patrick's.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
