it's like i warped into dreamland and the only thing that makes sense is my solo cup
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.
And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.
It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.
I mean I love some drunk compliments, but he just wasn't up to my low standards.
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
I might have snap chatted him. So here's what I need you to do. Find him. Abduct him. Get his phone. View the chat so he can't. Then, buy him ice cream. He deserves ice cream.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
What, so now you are his nutritionist and his fuck buddy?
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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