God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
turns out a healthy dose of cleavage is the equivalent of a swig of felix felicis
stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
Somewhere between yelling how am I gonna make it to my flight and more titie shots I stopped caring
I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.
Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night
How do I go about messaging a girl on a dating site whose little sister I've had a three some with...?
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
I'm just gonna ride this ego train to sex town
I couldn't find my hair brush so I just brushed my hair with a cat brush. I should not be dating.
He's just been a dick since he set his face on fire. I just wanted to eat a fucking hot dog.
Last night I drank three beers and threw up in a tree house. I am ashamed.
Turns out the grown up version of seeing your teacher shopping is seeing your therapist is on tinder
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