I work with a guy that has a strong spanish accent. He just said "I have a plethora of ..." and I busted out into laughter b4 he finished his sentence b/c it reminded me of 3 amigos.
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.
I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.
Bud light lime after 12 shots of vladdy is like frolickin in a meadow of sweet flavor
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
How about we just fuck in random places all around campus, and skip the boring relationship part?
are you putting in a lot of effort today like appearance wise
I am taking my rightful place as emperor of the undead appearance wise
Are you sure he's still you're boyfriend when you're sober?
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Dude I left his house at 5:30 a.m. after you peed on his front door and then tried to fight me for my blanket. Don't even do that at my house or I will end you.
hahahahaha. Worst. Text. Ever.
Randomize
