I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.
I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.
It was her 21st and she had one drink and fell asleep. I hate 90lb girls.
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
rethinking that breast reduction surgery... i'm tired of drunkenly explaining the scars to guys who don't really give a shit
I like the odds of his and my children being professional athletes too. To support me in my old age, see I do think about the future.
how did we start talking about space blow jobs?
My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs
I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle
Can I just text her like "yo sorry I fucked your boyfriend, let's go get sushi" or like nah
I stole an accordion from the bar
Accidentally
I'm having ragrets about stealing the accordion
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I’m at that point in my trip where I’m kinda hot, kinda cold and I have to remember to breathe.
His dick is social distance approved
Social distance approved?
big enough for me to fuck from six feet away
Randomize
