god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome
You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
Did i tell you that he's legal and i got his number? Because he's legal and i got his number. THIS BITCH AIN'T GOING TO JAIL YET
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
I just bought a bottle of lube for my car.
I did coke with the Royal Navy last night. God save the queen.
you made it your goal to puke in every planter around the union. you got most of them. im proud of you
Um I got a ride home from the bar with two random boys and one tried to bang me on my parents riding mower
Randomize
