I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
when people say theyve been sober for however many years is that like couple beers not drunk sober, or no drinking sober?
sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.
i think i left a case of beer in your dryer
I have your car and your sandals. My shoes are somewhere under the puke couch. Safari time.
I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.
I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"
Wait also totally unrelated but can horses sit down?
I just tried to picture one and I don't think they can cause I can't envision it
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Hey! Where are you? It's Irrisponsible Patio time and you're not here firing shots down summer student's throats
Nothing like being buzzed at 10:20am off wine shots in Amish country
We bought a pool from walmart at 2am...and to make matters even more white trash we headed to Applebee's for half off appetizers and corona-ritas
Today in French class my teacher was singing "what does the fox say" so i started answering in similar satanic ritual noises
It's statistically impossible for there not to be at least one guy sexting you right now
Is it sad or funny that I just bought two pregnancy test at the dollar store to give away to people on New Year's Eve while driving for Uber.
Randomize
