I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
i'm pleased to announce i can now open a bottle of wine with my shoe if called upon to do so.
she went to pee and i could hear her singing "Drip Drip Drop LIttle April Showers" from Bambi through the door.
i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
And I can taste the vodka through my ears. Good god.
The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high
I'm a male taking pregnancy tests with every girl at the party. i have no regrets
Nothing like waking up and watching Dr. Phil and masturbating. It's like a protein shake for the day.
Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...
if he ever tells me he loves me when we are sober, i am a goner. just fyi.
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
the girl who hid my weed when the cops came has a birthday coming up. i feel like i should get her something.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
This Cougar is looking at me like I’m a piece of meat and buying me top shelf cocktails
I’m getting a fear boner thinking about what she might do to me
Randomize
