Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.
wait do you know what youre gonna say if they ask how youre getting back?
yes. helicopter.
Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.
Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up
Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit
Don't let her tell you any different. She licked the balls of my hamster for that $100. It was a group bet. She won.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.
Marking my student's "don't do drugs" posters while simultaneously texting my dealer, is this what being a grown up is like?
she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.
Porn. Physics. Porn. Icecream. Porn. That's my life now.
Do you remember trying to make pizzas with the domino workers last night...while trying to speak their language with them.. spanish?
So I can confidently say that I'm the only 3rd year engineering student who completed all 4 of their exams with One Direction pens
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
Well the good news of being walked in on, my mom says your tits are pretty. Then she added that hers were like that once. Fml
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
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