I woke up this morning with my shirt on upside down.
You mean inside out.
No, upside down. I ripped the neck hole in the process of getting it around my waist.
My co-worker just asked me if i colored my hair. Time to take a shower.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé
I've awoken at 3am again, in a night terror, just thinking about how big his dick was.
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
while she was riding me, she looked at me and said "this is why mom told me learning how to ride a horse would be important for my future"
I lull them into a false sense of security with my gayness. Then when they're vulnerable, I strike, like a snake. A big non-gay snake, with huge balls.
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
My nipple piercings are like the guardrails, that's why they feel so safe.
his finger was half off and he was more concerned that he wasnt at home shooting cucumbers out of his potato gun.
Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.
I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.
What would I even say at the wedding? "Sorry that I still wouldn't sleep with you after four years of you trying...but hopefully my sister here isn't that stubborn" and give him an awkward pat on the back?
It seems that I didn’t convey clearly enough how well and truly fucked we are, Jack. Listen to me very closely: we are DEAD.
Randomize
