I swear to god I'm with a high end prostitute right now and shes the most interesting person I've ever met. She just took me in to share an evening.
And as an added bonus she seems to have gotten a blood stain out of my favorite t-shirt
apparently i was offering everyone ambien and shouting, it's only like heath ledger if you want it to be!
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
the last thing i remember is unlocking the door. its like i was literally opening the door to my blackout
the outcome of this sandwich determines whether or not i do anything else with my day..
How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?
These pissing matches have to stop. They led to last night's scotch through the nose shots. I'll never smell again.
Stop your judging. I got free booze AND an oil change. You're the one whose always saying we're spending too much money.
it will be just like last year but no clogged toilets and more costumes.
i need some magic done to my vagina
I think the highlight of my night is when I was eating a mayonnaise sandwich. drunk me was on point.
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
Any idea why my ass cheeks are bruised again?
The fact that theyre bruised AGAIN means you're not adult enough to know why.
The only thing that makes a night with half a bottle of cheap vodka is the other half of that bottle of cheap vodka.
I was pretty pissed in the morning when I realized he had fucked the fake tattoo right off my chest.
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