I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.
Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!
I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...
Jus saw ur date getting a bj in the mcdonalds parking lot...u want anything?
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
Yeah, I only wore tennis shoes under the gown. Way cooler than khakis and a shirt, but much more awkward when my parents wanted to go to dinner immediately after the ceremony and my grandmother started to unzip the gown. Stopped her before it was too late, but barely. My dad just rolled his eyes.
I was drunk, he was taking a bodyshot while avoiding my piercing. I told him I loved him. He waited until I woke up with my hangover to say he loved me too. It was hangover magic.
i saw way too much penis for that to have been a funeral
He's unconstrained by sanity, physics, or his liver.
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
If he would've shaved his beard when we first broke up, getting over him would've been so much simpler. That asshole.
I also have bagel bites. I know that's not as big an incentive as the cocksucking but.....
Sex on the trampoline with your two best friends cheering you on: PRICELESS.
Randomize
