He was eating me out on the dryer...and his mom walked in with her laundry basket...
He wasn't the only one with a full load.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
once the tequila comes in everyone elses feelings go out the window.
there is way too much butter on my body for this to be okay
Why the fuck did you text me at 4 in the morning telling me not to have sex with the bird?
Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.
at least it wasnt animals
Also, I'm sat on the floor drinking cava because life is just not working for me tonight.
I just peed on a rich man's lawn fuck yeah America
I was alternating between saying "yall need Jesus" and "God bless" the entire night
He went to 7/11 first and came back with condoms and a banana "in case we get hungry"
I'm sorry I didn't get you anything for your birthday
It's just you didn't get me the fucking bear suit last year
I woke up with her finger in my vag. Let's just say that I'm one horny inquisitive drunk.
We fucked. Had a political debate. I won. So I sat on his face.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
We've been together for 10 months. These next 2 may be a deal breaker. He has not met the summertime version of me that is so hungover today that I cancelled a meeting with my boss right after she sent me an appreciation note saying I have great work ethic. I have her fooled.
Randomize
