i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW
you were so high you spent the rest of the night smelling pepper to prove you can sneeze with your eyes open
Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up
If you don't come out tonight, who's going to wake us up in the morning because they're fucking in the middle of the room where everyones sleeping?
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
I was just handed jelly beans by a guy in a penguin costume. Standby for confirmation on if they are actually drugs.
If the blood belongs to whoever dumped glitter all over my couch than the motherfucker got what was coming to them. If not, I hope they're ok.
I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...
just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"
You will never know an awkward moment until your parents pick you up from a one night stand.
Welcome to the south, dude. Gives the phrase "I wish you a dry ass" a new perspective.
also, sleeping with your chipotle guy sounds like a good idea until you want chipotle on your day off and have to look somewhat presentable to acquire said chipotle.
just got permission to expense a nerf gun
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Remember when you laughed that I downloaded a “fireplace” station on my Roku? I just woke up butt naked on my couch with my fireplace station playing. So there, guess that shows you. Now excuse me while I go back to sleep in front of my fireplace.
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