I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit
No room in fridge, chilling wine in snow. Do NOT let the dog pee on it.
This is working out surprisingly well considering it started out with us using a christmas tree as a battering ram
Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
You pretty much isn't said it
Those words don't go together.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
If you hear death cries, thats me singing. Just let me be.
sober me thinks like you do. drunk me needs sober me's advice. am i allowed to go to his house?
I blacked out in the cab last night... Cant remember getting in the front door, also i got into bed with my grandma.
Remember that pair of super cute shorts I pooped in? I miss those 😔
Her hot older sister walked in on us, looked me up and down, then stared straight at her and said "I call sloppy seconds on this one" then left. I'm still debating on how I feel about that.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
