mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.
Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..
If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.
I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday
if things do not go as planned you should see me walking down I81 blindfolded and pantless
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I guess the wine stains on your shirt and the $2 vodka tonics you're sweating out just scream, "Welcome to DC, please ask me for directions."
I wanna get high and watch Shrek tonight...don't make me do it alone.
I've seen too many dicks in the past week. I can't do it anymore.
I got kicked out of the E.R. for saying "balls".
Randomize
