My sheets look like a crime scene.
Did you call me this morning? I was really drugged up and don't remember.
Have a good day. My vagina shrank.
my 3 year old cousin just woke up screaming "IT WON'T GO DOWN!'
I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.
He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
How would your parents feel if we installed a sex swing?
Sex should not remind me of how baby birds get fed
Fell off the toilet trying to reach to put my tampon in the garbage. Pride hurts real bad.
I had to fake it. He was punching my vagina like it owed him money and enough was enough.
are you really asking me this. do you KNOW how many times i masturbate in a day? yeah. wrong person to ask about romance.
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
The amount of illegal things I've done this weekend is astounding.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
