drink some water, pull the trigger, get a bfast sandwich. Only good things.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
once the "do it" chant starts, any shot at an even remotely dignified party experience is dead.
so he just called his new girlfriend by my name and she was too drunk to even notice how awkward..
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
she tried to deny peeing on the floor last night. she said she wouldn't make it to the bathroom only to pee on the floor
oh but she would
Why do I have a missed call from "The Anaconda" ?
Between having seen you naked and interpreting your values based on the occasional political FB post, you're no stranger for sure.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
then you dropped a clam in a draught beer like it was a drop shot and and started chugging as beer spewed all over your body.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
you missed a good time last night.
you texted me at 10 telling me to come fuck you, that says enough.
as i was trying not to drunkingly fall off her toliet, i noticed her socks laying there. i quickly grabbed them, ran upstairs, and excitingly asked her if she had gotten them at sams club. she replied with, "...those are your socks."
I need your help immediately! I sorta kinda sliced my foot off at the ankle with my new kitana. Bring your cooler, ice and some hospital road beers.
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
Randomize
