tonight i'm making a christmas tree shaped shot pyramid
This house was built for laser tag.
I'm trying to find candidates for my winter break hook up. I'm going to hold auditions thanksgiving break.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I WAS JUST SITTING HERE BEING SNIFFED BY ODD WOMEN FOR A SOLID 5 MINUTES. My face was a twist of utter fear and confusion...
It's 3:30pm, I've been out of bed for an hour and spent most of that barfing. We're switching to beer next debate.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
She asked how many sexual partners I'd had and I was like "Honestly I don't even know". And then she said "well last time you said 8." And my inner monologue busted out laughing and I was like "Oh I'd say like 11 or 12.....plus 20."
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
Do not ever get that redhead chem major high. Gave her a magic brownie and she sat in a corner and literally cried about organic chem. Never again.
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
I went to a party last night....I stole all of their ornaments and the toaster oven.
I thought accidentally shaving off my fingertip while trying to shave my butthole was going to be the most unexpected part of my day, but no
I was so drunk I got motion sickness from sex.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
Randomize
