ok plan lets look hot and dance like whores.
just got cropdusted by the delivery guy...this was not in my job description.
You took shots of captn out of a empty percocet bottle, i just saw you fall threw the floor of rock bottom.
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
she just announce I'm david copper field and tried to shove a napkin down my throat
He told me that his favorite part about me is hearing my voice while we fuck. I think that was the nicest thing he has EVER said to me.
I was drunk for 3 days straight...well wasted for 3 days with periods of "just drunk" inbetween
'go have sex with her' ddoes not count as wingman
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
I have never fucking hated the horrible sound of dozens of off-key recorders BLARING their fucked rendition of "Fais Do-Do" in unison against the screams of an adult male... more than I do now. This is why people avoid teaching. Kill me. End it all.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
Remind me to tell you all about the topless girl on the street who attempted to taze me.
guess who smoked weed with their grandpa tonight. and no it wasn't me.
Randomize
