Woke up with feathers in my hair. at work. still drunk. sooo awkward.
you ever fart during an orgasm? feels like u just lost 10 pounds
Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.
I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.
my mom found me this morning spread out like jesus sleeping on the living room floor. i had a piece of bread over my eyes to block the light out
She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me
How did a couple beers and monopoly turn into a bottle of vodka and throwing eggs at eachother in the kitchen?
I guess I fell on the bar and kept trying to get back in telling the bouncer that I left my teeth at the bar. Woke up this morning with chipped tooth
You get home ok?
Uh, you stopped by my house at 4 am and woke me up, so yeah.
Just told some little girl not to judge me as I brushed my teeth in the target bathroom
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
CURSE YOU AND YOUR SEXY LOGIC
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
I am listening to my ipod while i puke, this is most entertaining hangover i have ever had.
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