My dad just sent me a text telling me to "say hi to all the luscious bitches" at the gay bar. Guess this explains my childhood
We were walking home when he passed out, we left him. Just got a call from him, hes in a jail in Canada.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
If by "in control" you mean him showing-up to work wasted, calling a customer a "fuckstick," and getting fired on the spot? Then yes, he is.
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.
YOUR BALLS CAME OUT. DONT CALL ME A SHITSHOW.
the fat guy in me is very excited, and the skinny guy in me is very excited for the fat guy in me
max decided it would be a good idea to run down the hall and smack down the exit sign. now we are sitting in the emergency room, and he is wearing the sign as a bracelet
I just want to get drunk and wake up on Wednesday
I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
You tried to run away last night. The neighbors brought you back.you were in their hot tub again. This needs to stop
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