would you consider dating someone with braces an investment?
it doesn't get any better than taco bell and soft core porn
What time are you coming? Can you stop and get mouse traps and trojans?
You have mice?
no why?
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing
If I EVER think it's a good idea to blow someone who just showed me their synchronized swimming performance on youtube again please correct me immediately.
IT WAS SO BIG. I FORGOT GOD MADE THEM LIKE THIS.
My underwear are in the stairs so apparently I did take the dog out.
I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
He seemed genuinely disappointed when I told him I wasn't going to make out with him to Bring Me To Life by Evanescence so I feel like I've pinpointed the breaking point of this relationship
The moral of the story is this:the last shot of the night is always a mistake
How do you explain to your parents that you can't go to the library because you got banned for being drunk in there... on a Sunday afternoon?
That's $100,000 of quality education right there.
I had a dream that I was smoking rasberries out of a bong. THEY WEREN'T EVEN DRIED...
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