Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You should get sea herpes
I mean sea horses
All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.
so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.
She just landed. Popped over for a BJ and left. I'm a fan of layover layovers.
Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.
you walked in on him eating me out and screamed SHE'LL BREAK YOUR HEART BRO before body slamming on the ground and passing out on the floor
I had to rename my dildo. I met a little kid who named his teddy bear the same name. It just felt wrong.
Dude you better come get your girl, she's sitting here eating a tub of pasta salad muttering to herself about gypsies.
I feel like I put a fire out with my hand but idk if that was a dream or not
someone stole my phone at the bar last night, naturally, it led to me waking up in the bartender’s bed
Randomize
