Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I wonder if you can snort coke upside down
Let's just say a refrigerator got involved and after that I had to send him home.
IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.
Thanks man, but unless some hot chick comes in to work with a case of beer and offers me a head job, I'm pretty much screwed for New Years
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.
I'm truly not mad that he's at a strip club, it's that he couldn't look far enough into the future to figure out how to get himself home from one
Sorry for all the snapchats, I wanted you to feel like u were in America getting plastered with me
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
I'd call the fact I ended up in my own bed a huge success
You better have a raging boner when I get to your house and it better be worth missing work in the morning.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
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