I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock
I chose taco bell over sex...
good choice.
when a girl says 'did you just try to kiss me' you should leave the bar. trust me.
Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.
Coffee flavored vodka sounded like such a good idea at the time. Now i never want to drink coffee again.
it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"
Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.
why the fuck would he compare you to sexy aquatic creatures?
Even when you're down just know that I will always be the one to pour alcohol into your asshole when you're on probation
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
I asked him for something to clean up with after sex and he handed me a sham wow. A SHAM WOW
Look, you don't know disfunction until you've sat on the john taking a shit and crying while totally sober.
you were angry and didn't have anything else to throw so you threw a breakfast burrito...?
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
my ex finally blocked me on all social media and tbh I'm only pissed because his roomate just got a puppy
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