What are we going to do tonight?
What we try to do every night. Take over the world
He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me
Most eventful shower ever. Jacked off, peed and puked in there.
What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
There's some band that practices next door to my apartment. I'm thinking we may need to check that out. I could be like, "Hey boys, thought you might like some lemonade and vagina."
Do you think kicking my coke habit is a good personal goal to put down on the evaluation form?
I smell like lime and condoms and I really want a waffle. Fuk
Well, if worst comes to worst, I have pictures of his penis that I can put on the internet
I just learned in class that female whales slap their fins against the water and then ten males come and fight for her yet we can't get guys to text us back
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
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