No touching my privates on the ride to school. Pinky swear.
our cab driver is having phone sex.
I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.
I've started a list of places i want to drink. To go along with the list of places i want to have sex. Lincoln's log cabin is on both.
You don't realize it's a small world until your ex girlfriend's dad unintentionally messages you on grindr..what.the.fuck.
Its not that it wasnt fun. Its just I got a tooth knocked out and that was my second time being arrested this year
You were petting your bowl of cocoa puffs and shushing it softly while staring at the mirror
she started chasing me through the forest like a horny serial killer
I just matched with a taco on tinder. Dreams come true.
Randomize
